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(Yes, I know that's a double negative but I don't not care.)

In the interests of public service, I have saved you the trouble of watching this slow-mo non-trainwreck by compiling this handy recap of Season Three; Episode One:

Oh no! I've lost all the money!
Wait! Matthew has money!
No I don't. It makes me sick to think of taking that money.
You make me sick!
Are we still getting married!
Of course. I have a great dress.
The new footman is my new unknown son.
I thought I was your unknown footman son.
No, I don't like you anymore.
Sybil is having a very bad hair day.
Well, she is poor now.
Stop calling Lady Mary "Mary!"
Stop calling Mary "Lady Mary!"
How about I call her dirty English Pig Dog?
Go back to Ireland
Matthew? The money?
No. Sick.
You could buy yourself a chin.
I said no!
Let's get married so I can make your life a living hell over this.
Do you really think you should wear white?
If Aurora Greenway and Miss Jean Brodie get it on, this could be the best show ever.
Crawley. Crawley? Crawley is a really terrible name for an ancient noble family.
I lost the shirts.
I stole the shirts.
I found the shirts.
I replaced the shirts.
The stove doesn't work! We have five hundred fireplaces but we can't cook anything!
You can't marry the old dude.
Okay, you can marry the old dude.
I can totally see his hand.
If this show had any balls at all, Bates would have really killed his wife.
Too fine, noble and sick. Sorry.
Why did I marry you again?
It is a known fact that 74% of the audience watches strictly for the hats.
It's like Lidsville. With classier accents.


( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 7th, 2013 09:32 pm (UTC)
Really confused.
Haven't seen it yet. Now not sure I will waste the time. I think you have forgotten Sir Pitt Crawley of Queens Crawley. Ancient family, not so elegant.
Jan. 7th, 2013 09:33 pm (UTC)
Re: Really confused.
Still a terrible name.
Jan. 7th, 2013 09:48 pm (UTC)
I've seen season 3 (with the exception of the finale and Xmas episode), and it's sooo tough to keep spoilers to myself. Also, I was convinced that Bates had actually killed off his wife. But he's innocent & upstanding, damn it!
Jan. 7th, 2013 09:54 pm (UTC)
Well, of course that didn't happen. Because NOTHING EVER HAPPENS!!! What was up with the stupid shirt thing? Nothing. What as up with forbidding Edith to marry the old dude? Nothing! And you know they're not going to lose the house because then they'll have to call Season Four: Downton Abbey, That Place We Used to Live At.
Jan. 8th, 2013 02:47 pm (UTC)
Well, that is brilliant.
Jan. 8th, 2013 10:49 pm (UTC)
After that recap, I can't wait to watch!

Thanks for the laugh.
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )