(Yes, I know that's a double negative but I don't not care.)

In the interests of public service, I have saved you the trouble of watching this slow-mo non-trainwreck by compiling this handy recap of Season Three; Episode One:

Oh no! I've lost all the money!
Wait! Matthew has money!
No I don't. It makes me sick to think of taking that money.
You make me sick!
Are we still getting married!
Of course. I have a great dress.
The new footman is my new unknown son.
I thought I was your unknown footman son.
No, I don't like you anymore.
Sybil is having a very bad hair day.
Well, she is poor now.
Stop calling Lady Mary "Mary!"
Stop calling Mary "Lady Mary!"
How about I call her dirty English Pig Dog?
Go back to Ireland
Okay.
Matthew? The money?
No. Sick.
You could buy yourself a chin.
I said no!
Let's get married so I can make your life a living hell over this.
Do you really think you should wear white?
If Aurora Greenway and Miss Jean Brodie get it on, this could be the best show ever.
Crawley. Crawley? Crawley is a really terrible name for an ancient noble family.
I lost the shirts.
I stole the shirts.
I found the shirts.
I replaced the shirts.
Lump.
The stove doesn't work! We have five hundred fireplaces but we can't cook anything!
You can't marry the old dude.
Okay, you can marry the old dude.
I can totally see his hand.
If this show had any balls at all, Bates would have really killed his wife.
Money?
Too fine, noble and sick. Sorry.
Why did I marry you again?
It is a known fact that 74% of the audience watches strictly for the hats.
It's like Lidsville. With classier accents.